Friday, July 16, 2010

So .... I was at the gym today ...

So ... I was at the gym today and well, I got to thinking. Usually I like to use my gym time to plot out my novel, work through scenes, and basically be a bore to myself. Sometimes, I people watch and think. And sometimes, thinking is never good. Sometimes it leads to things like this.

(PS - Apparently the 'word of the day' for me is (can you guess it?): Sometimes

Anyway, back to the moral of the post. I got to thinking about gym attire and what the holy hell goes through people's minds before the go to the gym.

It’s that time of year, when the weather warm, clothing becomes scarce, and people hit the gym to get that perfect summer body. It’s this time of year when going to the gym can be highly rewarding, sometimes scary, and at times downright gross. There are just some things that people should never wear to the gym and being a good citizen (really just seriously bored) it is my duty to share some of these not so tasteful observations.

What not to Wear to the gym
1. Gray Bottoms
This one applies to both male and female. I know that gray pants - especially heather gray- can really be the prettiest of pretty things but lets look at this logically. The color gray (even the darker kind) shows just about every trickle of sweat on your body. The is nothing more seriously hot then watching the person on the treadmill in front of you slowly expose a river of sweat coursing between their butt cheeks. What’s even better then that? When they stretch afterwards. MMMmmm. Good thoughts, right? NO! Both men and women fall victim to this miscalculation of gym attire but women especially need to beware. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a woman in gray bottoms climb into the leg machine (the one that reminds you of a gyno table), spread their legs, and the entire "private" area looks like you peed yourself. That just isn’t a real gym motivator for me and probably for most. Gray shirts are ok. I think a little back or chest sweat is ok. It shows that you are indeed working out, however, I don't want to your sweat down there.

2. Tight White Bottoms
Let’s direct the first half to men- We can see your junk in all its glory when you put on some white paper thin pants. We don’t want to see that. Please stop.

Now lets talk about women. Oh ladies, we need to admit that most of us should stay clear, a mile away from white work out pants. It shows everything. You may be thin, you may be curvy, or you may be as round as a house- STAY AWAY. When you see some girl prancing through them gym in tightie whities you always have to look. It can also take up time when you are on the stair climber: count the dimples or connect the dots. Whatever is your fancy.

3. Spandex
Who in the ’eff still wears spandex you may ask. I can answer that for you. Members of Gold’s Gym. Now some of you may think that only some hot fine young thing dons the spandex and gets all sweaty and hot. No. Not at all. Hate to burst that masturbatory fantasy. I have seen some horrific things, things that will haunt me. Unless you are a Victoria Secret Model you should not be wearing spandex. No, let me say this: Unless you can turn a straight girl gay you should not be wearing spandex. Not to mention the fact that spandex rides up and where do you think it rides up to? Up up and away... Men shouldn't wear spandex. Sorry. Its that whole we can see you goodies again. Just an outline this time, but we can make out rather you are a strong contender for "Who wants to be a Porn Star" or lacking in the equipment department.

4. Failing to realize you are not in shape
I by no means am a goddess, I realize my limitations and dress appropriately. This is another issue the both the genders fall prey to. My favorite type of gym goer is the big arms/chest and big belly allstar. Don’t wear the baby gap shirts unless you got a six pack and please stop prancing around like a peacock bragging about your tree trunk arms when its takes many men to climb your tum tum. No one is perfect but for crying out loud you can stop the reverse body dysmorphic disorder.(Pulling that one out from my college days)

5. Suntan Lotion
Yea I know this doesn’t pertain to clothing but you do wear suntan lotion technically. If I use the tanning beds at the gym I like to go after I work out because the beds make oh so warm and comfy. I have noticed - or my nose has- that a lot of people tan before working out and there is nothing like coca butter and burnt human flesh smell when you are breathing heavy. I can pick out a tanner with my nose a mile away. Its a certain smell and its hard doing cardio and being overwhelmed by the smell of suntan lotion or perfume.

6. Make up and Styled to the Tee baby!
A lot of women dress up for the gym like they are there to pick up their next baby daddy- oh wait... Anyways, a little make up is ok I supposed but a whole face caked full of stage performance type is a little heavy you know. The styled hair though is my favorite here. You almost wonder if these people actually do work out or do they work out around their hair and make up. Pull that ratty mess into a pony tail because I am tired of you shaking your head like a reering stallion and praying me with sweat.

Of course if these things changed then you probably wouldn’t be entertained at the gym nor would you have other people unknowingly making you feel better about yourself.

Anywho ... back to writing ...



  1. My ONE pair of grey shorts just went in the trash can!!!! :)

  2. Hahaha . . . spandex is totally scary!

  3. The woman on the gyno machine - I've totally seen that and had to swallow my own bile to stay in the gym! Great post!